Short story in Autobiography

“THE AMAZING QUEST FOR THE ELUSIVE GRAVITY BOOTS”

By: Steve Rhodes

Technology companies are trying to convince us that we must embrace the brave new world of such things as digital home makeovers not, I suspect, because consumers are desperate to do so, but because the companies themselves are.

We are being urged, among other things, to throw out that decrepit old VHS machine which has faithfully served humanity for decades and embrace the mighty DVD player. But the ultimate piece of stupidity would have to be the refrigerator with the built-in computer which alerts us to the fact that we are running low on milk so we can rush out and buy another carton post-haste. Is the human race becoming so feeble-minded that we need an on-board computer in the fridge door to remind us to buy a bottle of milk? Well, I went through an interesting exercise last April which indicated that this could well be true. I recently tried to buy a rather rare physical fitness device known as a pair of gravity boots which are used in the treatment of bad backs. I couldn’t find them for sale anywhere in Australia, so on the 23rd of April, 2005, launched a search for them on the internet. I discovered a couple of companies in America who claimed to have them and sent off the following emails to w&bs%t&.com and w&bs%t&.com:

'Hi, I wish to buy a pair of Spyder gravity boots, ID number 6018100170. However I live in Australia. Do you have any outlets here? Or do I have to have them shipped from the USA? If so, could you tell me how much it would cost to have them shipped here?'

The people at w&bs%t&.com didn’t bother responding, which is pretty par for the course these days, where good manners seem to be a thing of the past. However, the folks from w&bs%t&.com responded thus:

“Unfortunately, we don’t, Down Under, and we only ship to the continental United States.”

An electronic equivalent of a quick, crude, illiterate scrawl. So I decided to enlist the aid of a friend in Boise, Idaho and asked w&bs%t&.com to tell me how much it would cost to purchase them and have them shipped there. I promised them that upon receipt of their reply, I’d forward my credit card details, and the address in Boise. And they responded thus:

" Thank you for your interest in our products. The cost for shipping the gravity boots to you in Boise is $10, so the total is $94.95. The delivery time is 7-10 business days. Please let us know if you have any other questions. Sincerely, josephene@w&bs%t&.com"

So I contacted my friend in Boise, and told him that the deal was set to go and then contacted josephene@w&bs%t&.com and told her to go ahead and dispatch the boots. Then on 25/4/2005, just when I thought everything was organized to perfection, I received this in reply:

“Thank you, I started entering all of the information for your order and realized I need a couple of things. I need a phone number and I just want to verify that this is the credit card billing address. Thank you, josephene@w&bs%t&.com”

So I wrote back and outlined the situation yet again:

' Dear Josephene,

As I explained in my original email, I am actually ordering from Australia as it is impossible to buy the boots here. However my friend in Boise, Idaho, is going to send them on to me when he receives them from you. So my billing address is in Australia.'

I then gave her the phone number of my friend in Boise, as she had told me that “the delivery company will not pick up a package without a phone number for shipping.” Days elapsed while this information was digested. Then, to my utter amazement, she wrote back telling me that:

“We are waiting for a fax from your issuing bank to verify the account. Our system does not communicate with foreign banks, so everything has to be done by fax. If they can fax us authorization, we can process the card. It is not your card that has a problem, it is our system.” Sincerely, josephene@w&bs%t&.com"

So I contacted ZeroCard and asked them to send a fax, but then received a mystifying email from Josephene telling me that they didn't deal with ZeroCard. At the same time, news broke about an internet scam in which ZeroCard was unwittingly involved, and hackers were weaselling their way into peoples' accounts and stealing thousands of dollars, so in a way, I didn't mind that the card had been rejected. Then, in order to speed up proceedings, I contacted Money Place on the 16th of June and asked them to transfer the necessary amount into Josephene's account. Time elapsed and I heard nothing, so I rang Money Place to see if the money had been retrieved and they said no, it was still sitting in their account in America. On the 6th of July, Josephene wrote back:

"We have no record of receiving the money order from Money Place. Have you tried tracking with Western Union? Our accounting department would have received it. Let me know what you find out from Western Union. Sincerely, josephene@w&bs%t&.com"

So I telephoned Money Place, and they confirmed that they still had the money at their office, which, by an amazing piece of coincidence, was just across the road from Exerspot in West Melbourne, Florida. I then told Josephene that all she needed to do was make a quick trip across the road and pick it up from the Money Place office. Then another horrifying dilemma reared its ugly head in the form of Typhoon Dennis which was sweeping down upon the Florida coastline at a terrifying rate. Images of Josephene & the boots being swept off into cyberspace in a scene reminiscent of Dorothy and her dog in “The Wizard of Oz” came graphically to mind. But she survived and on the 22nd of July sent this plaintive dispatch:

“I am sorry you have not heard from me for a while. We should have everything squared away in a few days. I didn’t realize this was going to be such a difficult thing to do. Thank you for all of your understanding.” Sincerely, josephene@w&bs%t&.com"

The initial contact with Josephene was made on the 23rd of April. The boots arrived in Boise on the 5th of August and eventually in Australia on the 15th of August. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DAYS to perform a function that, back in the pre-internet era, would have probably taken about three weeks from the time one saw the ad in a magazine, to filling in the coupon and sending off your order complete with postal note. So much for the efficiency of modern technology. But then again, maybe this awesome technology that’s been unleashed upon us is all too much for many mere humans to come to grips with. Maybe some of us do need a computer in the refrigerator door after all.

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