Short story in Ridiculous

A Short History of Everything

Part I and II and III and I need an IV

Jean M. Hendrickson

In the beginning there was a finite number of people. There appeared to be infinite resources. Adam and Eve wandered around picking fruit until their Makers competition appeared.

The competition won a round and Adam and Eve found themselves kicked through the goalposts of Eden, willy-nilly, pell-mell, quick as you can say Bobs your uncle. Suddenly, they had to compete with the fruit of their loins for the fruits of the land.

Hunters and gatherers fought the weather, wild beasts and each other. They competed for flora and fauna for food, shelter, and poker chipsoh, wait, that was later. Those who were clever enough to make tools became leaders. Some learned to plant and reap; some, to sharpen flints and kill animals and some formed dot-com companies.

As they became sophisticated, people felt the need to propitiate the forces of nature. They made representations of these forces in the form of monoliths, naked pregnant women, tumescent men or cows. This phase led to religious wars which started when one or another stood on the highest place in town and yelled,

My gods better than your god. Nanny nanny boo boo, to which the other replied,

Aw, your mother wears combat boots.

The first scratched his long, unkempt beard and asked,

Boots? Have we invented boots? which caused the others to throw watermelons, small animals and unwanted children in the general direction of what became known as the infidel.

This desecration led to the rape of nubile women and the theft of cave paintings which was really tricky, since the drawings were attached to the cave walls.

The leaders, except the village idiot whose job it was to drool, built large, gaudy buildings where the women danced for the men and where men, known as priests, hid treasures so no one else could look at them.

This chauvinism led to dividing the world into itsy-bitsy (teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikinisbut, I digress) plots of land called serfdoms, kingdoms and, later, countries. Some of the countries had more resources than others, or they thought they were taller, so they invaded other lands.

The stronger insurgents stole beautiful, or at least nearby, maidens and produced children. This survival of the strongest, paired with the handiest, weeded out the smart and clever in favor of the best physical specimens, except for the village idiots who were elected to high offices because the non-droolers were busy raping, pillaging, and then plundering all that was good in other countries and piling it into huge mountains of goods, then sending out fliers that said, Want to buy your stuff back at exorbitant prices? or Fire sale! then set whole mountains on fire and everyone roasted marshmallowsor maybe goat entrails and sang old camp songs.

Later, the pretty people, whose names were Ken and Barbie, found theyd accidentally incorporated some intelligent people into the mix. Ken asked these smarties to teach everyone else, whether they wanted to learn, or not.

Some of the subjects they taught were economics in which the theories were wrong 72.3 % of the time and weather forecasting in which the promulgators were incorrect on 91.8 % of the days. This uncertainty of outcome was paired with off-track betting, which led to what was known as handicapping because the bookies broke peoples legs if they didnt pay up.

The really smart people grouped together in institutes called colleges or universities, and within these, formed social societies that were Greek, which discriminated against geeks (who inadvertently left out the r when they spelled Greek or who bit the heads off live chickens) and anyone of a different race, nationality or who dressed funny.

Small bands of marauders formed at many universities. They learned to run at each other and push them down, often in the mud.

Some of these were: the Duke Blue Devils, who may have been in league with the Makers enemy; the Oklahoma Sooners, who would as soon run over you as look at you, and the Texas Longhorns, who thought they were rams instead of cows, and blew their horns on Rosh Hashanah.

At some point, too many people wanted to go to college so the SAT was born to keep out undesirables who learned differently or spoke Bantu which didnt have a written language or who really didnt give a damn anyway. This was the beginning of the end of the world, according to Revelation.

The End

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